Pansy

I realized in the middle of the funeral that I was still wearing my leather work gloves. I considered taking them off out of respect, but decided to leave them on: the cat and I had a working relationship anyway.

You don't have to go all the way to Idaho to find a farm like the one I grew up on--that's part of what I like about Tallahassee. It wasn't a real farm by farm standards, but it was a farm by city standards. We had cattle and hogs and sometimes chickens, a horse for a short while, sheep one summer, and always cats and dogs. People from town, either out of laziness or some misguided sense of what it is to be humane, dropped off domesticated animals "in the country" (we were only five minutes from the edge of town) when they were finished with them.

We had a complex relationship with our animals. Some people, then and now, shout objections to raising animals for slaughter. On our place at least, the animals were treated well, even through their final moments. No human being ate dinner until the animals were fed and otherwise cared for. Our entire schedules were built around the animals' needs. We fed the babies with bottles when necessary, took animals of all sizes to the vet, administered medicines, delivered babies. I was always pleased at how a days-old calf, with its legs folded under itself, fit perfectly across my chest, head resting in the cradle created by my bicep and deltoid, butt hanging over the same place on the other arm.

At the same time, no animal was ever allowed in the house. No matter how cold. Animals are smart, and, more important, built tough. They found shelter from wind and rain and snow and worse, and they were just fine. The house was for the people and the people alone.

Eventually, they all came to the same end. Even as a child I understood this. Every beast--whether loved or hated or simply tended, pet or pest or product--came to the same end. Sparky the little mutt was hit by a car and got a burial service--the first of many. The wild dogs that chased the cattle were shot. Pigs and chickens were slaughtered at home; the cattle usually were trucked elsewhere. One calf literally died in my arms as I was trying to get him to the vet. I watched a cow slaughtered and carved up, plucked many a still-twitching headless chicken, and assisted in converting many a hog to ham. And yes, sometimes we put down animals in poor health, including our horse. I hunted deer and game birds. I hauled dead animals to the landfill. None of it really bothered me--it was just the way it was.

Tiger the family cat broke all those rules. I didn't want a cat. I don't really even like cats. But his owner promised that he was a good hunter, and I had a mole problem. Similarly, I had a family problem: Jennifer and the kids all wanted him. Tiger came home with us.

How it irked me, having an ANIMAL in the HOUSE! On the couch, on the bed, coming in, going out, coming in again. But I came to appreciate that Tiger wasn't just any cat. He had no disillusions about owning the place, no feline sense of entitlement, no haughty attitude. He didn't even insist on being underfoot until you gave him what he was after. He just wanted a soft place to rest and some food that he didn't have to chase. And that cat brought me at least a mole a week.

I knew he was sick when he rubbed up against my shins, looking for attention. He hadn't even begun losing weight yet, but he'd never acted like that. By that point I loved him too, and was actually glad for the chance to rub and scratch him. Two weeks later I was digging a hole in the back yard, my leather gloves saving my once-tough hands from blisters--I've become a genuine pansy. Choking out for my children an explanation of sickness and death, I found that everything I learned on the farm seemed just as distant as Idaho herself.

Jennifer and the kids seem just fine now, and I'm glad for them. We don't have to buy cat food, and the mole population hasn't recovered yet. I just wish I could quit expecting Tiger to dart past me every morning when I open the door to leave for work.

Laura's Heart

she's a pretty tough cookie, give her a job to do and if she's interested in getting it done, it will get done, no matter the obstacle. She gives me a run for my money at least once a day. She knows what she wants.

She's not much of a people person. For the most part she'd be happy in a room by herself.

She has a tender heart. Ever since she was way little she would pay attention to the expression on people's face in books we would read and ask if they were sad, or point out the emotion and then ask why, with real concern. If her siblings are having a hard time (and she isn't having a hard time herself) she tries to help them out somehow.

Today she and I were headed to Walmart and I saw ahead of us a hitchhiker at the on ramp of I-10 and we had a red light. I could tell she was going to ask.

Is he waiting for the bus?

No. (then I tried to give the six yr old version of what he was doing)

He doesn't have a car?

He doesn't have a place to live?

I said most likely not.

What does he do if it rains (cause it was about to)

Get wet.

After some thought

well I hope he has an umbrella and some food

It may be hard to get it through just reading about it, but the concern and thoughtfulness in her voice were heavenly.

I am so amazed by her. I think I've put on here before a quote I found, from a mother describing her daughter, who had passed away. It perfectly describes her for me.....so here it is again......

" she was like a gale force hurricane wind ripping through your life and other times she was a gentle delicate breeze on your cheek"

I hope I am showing her how much I admire, adore and appreciate who she is. She has a strong will, and independent spirit, a decisive mind and she has a tender heart.

My Hannah Sings

all. the. time.

Well, mostly when we're in the van and she's bored, or in a store. It happens so much in the grocery store and walmart that I don't realize she's doing it and approach people (who have been listening to it for two or more aisles) and they're smiling at me and it takes a minute to realize they're appreciating her singing. It is sweet.

My first two kids were not like this so it's also kind of odd. But I love it and really really hope she's developing those vocal chords so that she can sing in a way that I've always wished I could. No pressure though. I've only thought about voice lessons, I haven't even looked into it yet.....but I will.

Her favorites are Love is Spoken Here, If the Savior stood beside me, Happy Birthday Anya (her cousin), a mixture of the first two and she has some originals she's working on.

I love her and the fact that she loves music and singing.

I have hopes of getting it on film and putting here in the future. Stay tuned!

Mother's Day

Yesterday Brandon and the kids brought me tulips (my favorite!) and two bags of powdered donuts, Brandon said they had a hard time distinguishing between the things they wanted and what I might want, so I guess they found a happy medium. Do you know those sweet kids helped me open both bags of those donuts when they gave them to me? ...

I'm tearing up.

I got to take a nap and then Laura and I went short/skirt shopping for her. We could of done better there, but then we ran by Wendy's for her and she took me to Osaka for Mother's day (Brandon is not fond of the place, so we don't go there and I usually love it although trying to eat healthier makes all that oil less appealing). Laura said she enjoyed eating with me, but not watching the guys cook.

This morning Brandon and the kids made me breakfast for a queen and everyone ate on the bed with me, sort of, it was fun. Then the kids brought me the crafts they made while Brandon made breakfast.

Hannah did some cutting and was so proud...

and Laura made me some 'heads', this is my favorite b/c of the button on it

My son.......

He brings me coupons that he made...all on his own, a free hug, a free kiss, 20 minutes of just you and me time (one of my faves). Then I come to 'some money', and he's there holding a hand full of dimes, my jaw drops. Cole's love affair with money is well I'm speechless, it's huge. So I looked at him and said Cole you're giving me money? For real? He smiled big and said yes.

I teared up.

I moved on to other coupons and was still stumped about the money so I asked Cole are you really giving me your money? He said no, Laura gave me some of her money so I could give it to you (Laura is much like her mother and cares very little about money until it poofs into something worthwhile :) ). Life began to make more sense again, everything was as it should be... sort of.

I said Cole why didn't you give me your money...Cole says, because I'm saving it and didn't want to waste it, besides I think it's all in savings.

There was probably a teaching moment here, but I didn't take it.

Another coupon was "anything built out of legos". Cole kept asking what I wanted built, "mom, don't you want to turn in one of your coupons? What do you want built?"

I told him I didn't know yet and finally after church he said mom have you decided and I said well, I was thinking of an ice cream cone (go figure). He said, oh so casually and sincerely....oh I was thinking of a temple...we're going with Cole's suggestion, I'm left wondering who is raising this kid....oh yeah, Brandon.

Sacrament meeting.......

Today I'm sure I asked the kids to be reverent during sacrament. As some point I may have noticed Cole being very quiet, not really doing anything. I thought something may have been wrong with him, but figured I'd let it stew silently until after Sacrament meeting, no sense in rocking the boat. By the end of the meeting Laura has ended up in Brandon's lap on the stand and I have to go out with Hannah to potty. So Cole was left to fend for himself.

Cut to the parking lot and I notice a friend of mine who we usually end up sitting behind in Sacrament meeting is leaving and stops her vehicle just behind ours and is coming to talk to me. She says I don't know what you are doing in raising the kids but you're a great mom (okay who doesn't want to hear this stuff on Mother's day, but I'm puzzled still, oh yeah and did I mention Brandon's raising them/me). She explains they were sitting there singing the closing hymn and she looked back and there's Cole sitting by himself with his little hymnal singing the closing song. She gave us kudos and I thought how nice for Cole and me that there wasn't a different ending to that story.

So on the way home I'm telling everyone what Sister Torgesen told me, to give Cole full benefit. And he says, yeah I made a promise to myself that for Mother's day I would be good during Sacramnet meeting and listen and sing all the songs. ............................... he continued, yeah, Hannah pulled out some books that I really wanted to read, but I remember I promised myself so I didn't read them.

I tear up every time I think of it.

I really appreciate that he thought enough to make this commitment for me. The best part is that he made a promise to himself and even when it came down to being difficult he kept the promise. I am still in awe. I realize it's not the end all be all and we hope that all children learn this self mastery, but the kid's eight and I can't say that I keep many promises I make to myself. Could a mother ask for a better gift on mother's day? I couldn't. Thank you Cole.

Laura looked kind of forlorn (I love when she gives these looks, hard to describe but so precious) after Cole told us this and I was praising him, so I told her...when you're eight you can give that to me for mother's day too.

So this afternoon we went to mom's and got to spend good time with her while Frank and Brandon took the kids for a hike.

Then we came home and I got to spend time with my hubby.

It was a great mother's day.

No tears, just smiles, I have a great life!

You're never going to believe it!

Well, you probably will....
In cub scouts on of the achievement thingees in Duty to God is to tell two way that you can practice your religion and then do them. So Cole and I were driving along somewhere and he decided the two would be fasting and testimony. He didn't get that the testimony went with the fasting (he'd done that before...for one meal). So on Sunday I was talking to him about it and he said nu uh. I said he could testify to our family at home but he needed to bear his testimony as part of the practicing.

So sacrament meeting I'm trying to encourage him, in my mind because I dont' want him to be afraid of it, or as afraid or realize everyone's afraid but that he was strong enough to concur this. So I mentioned he could sit with Brandon on the stand if he went up (only a little twinge of guilt for this). He kept talking about it and I said it was okay to just do it at home, he said he wanted to but there were so many people. I tried to assure him that he didn't have to go up, he wanted to sit with daddy, but evidently Brandon had already told him he couldn't go up, but I said if he bore his testimony we could ratify that, but only under those circumstances. Good stuff for Cole's therapy later.

So Hannah's potty training and I tell Cole that we have to go out to potty and he can think about it and decide after I get back.

That's right folks, I missed my son's first testimony in church. Apparently there was only one person too many in the room. Serves me right.

He really didn't mean to he said he just decided to go (probably cause he didn't have anyone to debate it with) and that the people went fast in front of him. Brandon said he stood beside him with is hand on his shoulder and Cole said the basics, very quickly.

Brandon said the reason he didn't want Cole sitting with him was b/c he was having to raise and lower the podium and was needing to concentrate but he did give him snuggle love time right after he bore his testimony and let him sit with hime for a minute. That's our defense for future therapy.

I just can't believe it all went down that way, can you?

Stuff

On Tuesday Cole received his bob cat award from his den leader Sister Hair. He is loving doing all the scout stuff. He has his mother's competitive nature. When his friend David got two beads he wanted to know how he could get them and has been working hard and I have been working hard to remind and help him, we're a great team ;).

Mom offered to have the kids come spend the night, so Brandon and I went to Cabo's for yummy yummy burritos and then to Sam's to stock up on some food storage and said we'd spend the day today organizing our laundry/food storage room, that looked like a poster child for such rooms. We dowloaded 'Don't Stop Believing' for Rock band and jammed like young people and quickly crached like old people, it was like 11:00, some rockers we are.

Yesterday and today I have awakned at 4:15am and not been able to get back to sleep, this is not like me, so today I tried to stay in bed because I was planning on and was registered to run in a 5k., I really want to know if I've gotten better since going to the gym.

I already had sore throat so I was debating about going. Alas I got up at 5:00 because it wasn't working and I knew I wanted to do more in the laundry room than just organize. So I started and created a huge mess by moving everything around, but realized that I could paint the depressing brown paneling walls during this. So I found my favorite green color in the shed and went to work. And decided with the painting decision I would be running a different race today.

Brandon got up at 8:00 and was oh so pleased to know that I was up to my antics...love you babe. He handled it graciously, helping get a shelf down that's services were no longer needed. He then went about his plans for the day. We did get back together to reorganize our food storage. The laundry room may look weak, but the precious few that saw the before are appreciating the after....organization is my weakest link. Here's a pic of some of the progress.

so we went to Bianca's to have a calzone because riccardo's wasn't open and just for you Tallahasseans, never settle for Bianca's..wait for Riccardo's.

We picked up the kids and being the good parents we are brought them back home, fed, bathed, scriptured and then ....

that's right folks, the Porter kids played rock band!!!!!!!!!!!!! They loved it a little too much, I'm only feeling slightly guilty about that, it was only Eye of the Tiger...rising up.....

So one more family milestone. Two days ago, I told my sister I wasn't going to try to potty train Hannah until after our trip to Idaho. Not two hours later Hannah is asking to wear panties and I thought well if she asking I probably ought to pay attention. She's pretty much worn panties since and had one accident. She went at Cole's school, grandma's. She went by herself with no one telling her to go I just found her looking for toilet paper. Laura is to credit for this I think, she's been working with her. So of course I'm having day dreams about not buying more diapers, this being it, but I keep telling myself...you just wait until she realizes how much power she has here. She insisted on wearing her panties to bed..... I'll keep you posted.

Trying

to come up with an even more depressing post, but maybe we'll stray from that mood for a bit.

On Saturday, I took Cole and Laura with Mom and Frank to see The Sound of Music at the Quincy Music Theatre. This was Cole's second, Laura's first. I wasn't sure how Laura would like it and with Laura there's not a whole lot of middle ground. The girl knows what she likes.

Cole had recently seen Cinderella on a school field trip and loved so I wasn't so concerned.

Laura sat in my lap, there were fidgety times. She asked how many more songs there were. I could tell she enjoyed the girls dancing in pretty dresses. Near the end she asked again about how many songs and I asked her if she was ready for it to end and she said no. I wasn't totally convinced about that due to the wiggling on my lap.

Afterwards I was able to introduce her to the star of the show (who she later told me was her favorite character) Maria, b/c it was Jessica Applegate who I knew from old 5th ward stomping days. I gotta tell you I felt like the heroine to be able to do that. Laura was a little star struck.

So on the way home I asked the kids if they liked it and both gave a resounding yes. Laura said she wanted to go back right then and watch it again. It was a three hour show, so I'm really surprised and pleased.

Musicals are a big love of mine. My first musical was at QMT, it was Camelot and I fell head over heels with the experience. I love the plays at QMT cause it's pretty intimate (small) and just kind of nice.

I did make it Broadway a couple of times, seeing Bells are Ringing and Miss Saigon. Miss Saigon was a disappointment, but I changed my tickets from Cats to this so I could hang with the very cute foreign guys I met in the discount ticket line, and I just remembered that that was in the World Trade Center I believe. Anyway, the show was bad and I did catch up with the guys but, luckily, that didn't pan out either, cause I have a westerner now to sweep me off my feet instead of a european.

Back on track. I'm looking forward to taking the kids to many more musicals. There's Peter Pan in the fall.

Cole is in his first non class play at the school. It's Peter Pan. Growing up I never had the opportunity to be in a play where you try out for parts, have after school rehersals and such. I always wanted to be a part of that kind of production and still hope to be (just not at an elementary school so much). So I'm a bit of a stage mom, at home. I press Cole about the rehersals and am more excited about his two line part than he is, but he's pretty excited....living through my kids already. Cole will probably be a director more so than an a performer, he's already given suggestions of the lost boys and pirates fighting down stage while Peter and Captain Hook are battling on stage. I'm not sure if that has been implemented yet.

So we're singing do re mi, my favorite things around here....

and just because...
I'm a bit of a two year old right now about my dadgum cat. I miss him, I want him back and I think I should get what I want because I want it......this statement may be deleted before this post is printed and bound, but for the time being I'm thinking of it as grief therapy.